Otaku's Bad Habits that May Kill You - Part I

Otaku's Bad Habits that May Kill You (Funny) By Ron Fair Ron Fair is a very passionate writer and scholar whose strong and sometimes unconventional opinions have stirred controversy -- though his arguments and logic are often stronger than one might suspect. He is very active on MMOsite as an Associate Writer for the blogs (LordYanLiang) and moderator on the forums.

It's fun being an otaku sometimes. Really, being a hardcore fan of anything casual has its perks. Whether or thing is anime, video games, movies, etc., nothing beats the relatively simple pleasure of being able to sit down and melt away at a simple DVD or television show, while others pursue far more dangerous and more expensive thrills. It's not a bad existence if that's your thing.

Well, guess again, turkey! Being an otaku is very, very bad for your heath. Sure, it seems like nothing but fun and games, but being an otaku is dangerous. Yet it's not the otaku that should be most worried about health disasters or an early grave, but the people around them that should really be scared. The by-products of the otaku have been described as "noxious", and for very good reason. Fraternizing with one of these creatures could end your life!

Information is the weapon that will help fight the otaku scourge, both to heal an otaku and to help a "normie" survive an encounter with one of these overweight, pimply goons and their limited Japanese. If you are an otaku, or if you know one, then this article may just save your life. These are some of the bad habits and characteristics that may kill you.

1. The Stench of Failure

What is that strange hickory-smoked aroma of rotten meat, boiled urine, and musky week-old fertilizer that comes from the clothes, room/home, and skin from an otaku? It's such a pungent but distinct odor, with very subtle hints of loneliness and shame much like the tears of a drunken clown.

It's the smell of an otaku, which most normal people can detect from 10 feet away (and anyone with any self-respect, class, and success can smell from no less than 20 feet away). This natural body odor, often intensified with the addition of scents of cheap alcohol, fish, fresh swamp mouth from sleep, and/or noodles when one of these horrifying mutants opens their mouths, is the pride of the otaku, for it is a by-product of the love and dedication to the godsent manga (and the less divine anime) and the many hours they've managed to accumulate partaking in the Japanese fruit of the gods instead of doing anything else. It is also the scent of broken dreams and a wasted life, though every otaku will come to learn this sooner or later. This stench is created from lots of oily, greasy foods combined with the caking of bodily fluids (including but not limited to the disgusting ones) and a lack of hygiene all brought about from flashy martial arts battles, giant mechs fighting through space, and unrealistically sexy harems of teenage girls and/or aliens flashing their undies at every "inconvenient" moment. This bad habit of not showering combined with hours of lying in one's own filth creates a cloud of poison that allergies and adjustment have made the otaku immune to.

The danger to a normal person is that inhaling this toxic fume of disgusting is pungent enough to kill my several means: one whiff can cause death outright, it can render a person unconscious and cause them to crack their heads open upon impact with the ground, or it can lead to suicide after rape via the opposite sex otaku whose stench made you faint and whose supreme and utter loneliness (especially in the sexual arena) would drive them to such a reprehensible act. The lethality of the otaku stench is multiplied at an anime convention, and it is for this reason that ordinary people or even mild fans of Japanese pop culture should stay away from one of these expos. However, the stench of failure is a double-edged sword. People often become used to their own scents, however a stronger outside scent will often overpower one's senses and remind them of what their own stink smells like. Furthermore, being away from one's environment for so long and returning to it has a chance of weakening the body's resistance to the odors they've grown accustomed to. And as annoying as a constantly stuffed nose is, these allergies save the otaku's life: use of a netty pot or saline water to clear the nasal passages will, after a few hours, allow the otaku to smell everything they've been missing again, now putting them in even more danger than the average individual. If the stench of failure ever returns to the failure admitting it, things can turn ugly quickly. Just say yes to the shower and deodorant! And remember, soap AND water!

2. Too Much Masturbating

This is a bad habit that often goes overlooked when talking about the deadly bad habits of an otaku, though there is a good reason for this. Typically, this is not a proven concern. There are Taoist beliefs that semen contains a person's life essence, and that while sex is healthy and fun, the act of ejaculating causes one's life essence to escape them, taking years off of a person's life. That's well and good, but that theory really can't be proven. So what's the other concern of this humiliating habit? It's a concern that only happens once a year at best, and often goes undocumented for reasons that will soon become apparent and obvious.